Monday, January 27, 2014

a bit of insanity.

Will I ever be happy?!

The more I think about it the more I am thinking that I am scared to allow myself to be happy. I can't open myself up to anyone. I am always cautious and suspicious of everyone. When I do start to get close to someone, I panic and push them as far away as I can. I run for dear life. WHY! Why do I do that to myself. Do I think I don't deserve happiness? What the fuck is wrong with me.

Most men run at the first sign that a girl has issues. Most, not all.

I start to feel like I am going to be forever alone, or at least forever only half happy. 
I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM 100%, CHUB AND ALL. alas, it seems impossible. Somedays I could just scream!! Scream and cry and break things and lay on the floor until I die.. but I don't because I couldn't do that to my mother. My mother is the only reason I have never killed myself. There's I've thought of doing it, but I can't. I can not leave my mother alone. 

I have friends that make me smile but sometimes I think they hate me and think I'm annoying and only deal with me because I'd go mad alone. I feel like I am constantly faking the happiness.. CONSTANTLY..

Lost my train of thought, I'll update later.

Monday, January 20, 2014


The Band Perry playing softly, lights off, lavender scented candles glowing and a cup of steaming tea next to my computer. I feel nothing. For the first time in months, I have nothing negative on my mind. I feel nothing but bliss and accomplishment.

When I woke up this morning, I felt no heaviness, no aches and pains, no sadness, and did not feel like crying. I got out of bed, showered and instead of sitting on the couch and playing video's to distract me from the world, I open all the blinds and let the sun shine in. I got dressed and put my hair up; I put on jewellery. I cooked myself some breakfast and then did the dishes, I cleaned my room top to bottom, and every other room in the house. I even went as far as wiping down the walls and organizing the cupboards and my office. When I was done I sat down at my desk, lit my candles and shut off the light. This is amazing, I feel so good right now and it is rare for me these days. Lately I feel nothing but sadness and anxiety. 

I feel like me again, for the first time in a long time. 
I miss this.
I smiled today, for no reason.
I danced around the house listening to the radio for no reason.
I sang, loudly, along with the radio.

Today, I feel good. Nothing can change it. Just sitting here, enjoying the clean house, the smell of lavender, the music, drinking my tea and expecting nothing.
Worrying about nothing.
Thinking about nothing.
It's bliss for me. I am at peace today.
I need this.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

I have issues.

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and I feel it is due time.

I have issues. I'm talking talking little issues, I mean I have big issues that effect everything in my life including relationships with other people. 
For example: I can not trust. As much as I want to trust people I can not do it. I always end up thinking that I am going to get fucked over by everyone. I have a tendency to look at the worst possible scenario for every situation. I have been working hard to change my outlook on things, however it is easier said than done. I know plenty of people who have never given me a reason to not trust them yet I constantly question them. I always think that boyfriends are cheating on me, I am cautious of every girl they know and do not trust their female friends at all. I constantly question who they're texting or what they are talking about because in my mind it is always something bad about me. There is nothing that bothers me more than when we are spending time together and they are texting someone and ignoring me. I always think they are going to leave me. I have abandonment issues. Swear to God. When I think about it slash talk to my therapist I come to the conclusion that it all stems from my Mom and Dad, as well as other people in my family. 

When my mother was pregnant with me, my father wanted her to get an abortion, and she almost went through with it but changed her mind. Before I was born my father denied me as his. When I was born he wasn't there, only after I was born, he decided to come and visit me, and "fell in love with me." My mother and father were never really "together" after I was born. When I was 4 my mother met a man and moved us out of my home town and away from all my family. At the time I didn't know any better, I just did what mom told me. I have no concept of distance. I came back to my home town every summer for years, but eventually my mother and father started a custody battle, and I wasn't allowed to go to visit. No one knew but I was also being abused by my mother's boyfriend. Eventually we left and Mom moved in with a new boyfriend, he had a temper like I've never seen before. He called me names and made me feel like a nothing, like I didn't matter to anyone and never would. He told me that no one would ever love me, and I believed him after hearing it for 10 years. He had completely crushed my self esteem and confidence. He told me that my family didn't love me and that's why they never called me or came to visit. 

When my mother and I finally left him, and we moved in with her next boyfriend, He wasn't much better, I don't think he liked me much, I was just an annoyance to him, or at least that's how I felt…

Did I mention that I went almost 10 years without seeing my father or my cousins or aunt and uncle's.. I saw my grandparents once in a while but it was rare.. 

Mom's new boyfriend would always talk to me as if I was a young child who could not comprehend anything, it used to infuriate me. I eventually moved out, quite young actually. I had no where to go at the time I moved out but I managed to find a place to stay, moved out a few months later and between 2010-2013 I have moved 13 times. Crazy.

I have a lot of pent up anger from the decisions that my mother has made, the things her boyfriends and other people have said to me, the bullies in school that made me feel even smaller than I already did, the friends who used me, the scum of the earth who molested me, the boyfriends who cheated on me, the people who just walked out of my life for no reason..  on my birthday this year not one family member called me. :(

I have chosen to forgive and move on, but sometimes things still haunt me. You can never fully move on. I will not waste my life living in the past with things that I can not change..

…Yet I can not let go of the trust issues, the abandonment issues where I think everyone is going to leave me and I will die alone.. I try to be happy, and most of the time I am, but we all have days right?.. I am the type of person that tried to hide my hurt.. I will smile and act a fool but as soon as you leave, I am a mess again. I put on a font to hide the days that I am  feeling extremely low. My ex is the only person who has seen through my front. He once said to me, I have figured out that when you seem the happiest is when you are really the saddest and most hurt.. and my heart sank because he was so right… 

so right..