Monday, October 24, 2016

I'm going insane

My entire life has been full of abuse; Mentally, Physically, Sexually, Verbally.. 

I currently suffer from Agoraphobia, Anxiety disorders, Massive depression, PTSD and potentially Emotional Intensity Disorder.

I can't make friends, because I don't trust anyone. I'm scared that they are going to hurt me just because they can. I can't go anywhere alone anymore because I am terrified as soon as I walk out the door; I can't even stay home alone without freaking out. I feel so dysfunctional. I'm scared of the outside world and the people in it.

I often catch myself internally saying very nasty things to myself or wishing that I was just dead. I often think about the ways that I could do myself in and how easy it would actually be, but I never act on it. I often find myself balled up somewhere in my house crying profusely with no explanation to why. I internally tear myself down by telling myself things like:

"Holy fuck you're so stupid, what are you even thinking."

"Why are you trying to talk to them? They don't even like you, you're just being annoying and creepy."

"You look like a clown, go wipe that off your face. You can't look nice no matter what you do."

"Why did you even come here, you are so out of place, you look like an idiot."

"Fuck you're fucking fat."

"You're a whale, no one wants a whale."

"There's nothing special about you, you are so ugly and a basket case."

"Look at them staring at you, it's because you look like a totally fucking wreck. No one fucking likes you, look at the dirty looks your getting."

Some days I wish I could just give up my battle and just say fuck everything. I am so tired of fighting. If I could I'd just lay in bed until I withered away to nothing. There's so many rumours going on about me and I did nothing to deserve it. I hardly even leave my house so I don't understand how so many people can hate me. It's exhausting. Have you ever wished you could just vanish?

When I was a kid I was sexually abused by my babysitter for years, he also used to bring his friend along and they'd both do it.  It went on for so long that I became numb to it. Expressionless, Motionless, not even a flinch, I just waited for it to be done. It started with I was 5 and went on until I was 12. Also in those years my Mother had a very abusive boyfriend who used to lock me in my room 12 hours a day while my Mom was at work. I was only allowed a spoon full of whatever was made for supper, he killed my cat, abused my dog, abused me and my Mom.. When we finally left there and moved on it went right into another relationship where they were nice to my Mom but treated me like dirt.  I tried to kill myself 16 times between ages 11 and 21.. obviously it didn't work. I tried to shove a pair of scissors through my temple, I tried to hang myself multiple times, I tried over dosing, I tried slitting my wrists and other major veins and arteries , I tried walking into traffic and so on..

I was constantly yelled at and told that I was worthless, soulless, fat, I would amount to nothing, dirty, disgusting, lazy.. etc. He'd tell me that I'd be alone forever and that no one would want to be with someone as fucked up as me. He would pick me up and throw me across the room and one time he smashed the glass diner table and cut my leg all up. He grounded me for 3 years and I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. He hated all of my friends and wound't let anyone come and visit me. He also used to tell me that my father didn't give a fuck about me and I wasn't allowed to talk to him [my father] for almost 11 years. I started to self harm around this time and for me the physical pain felt better than the pain I was feeling inside. At this point I still hadn't told anyone about my sexual abuse because I was told that it was my fault and that I wanted it.

When I was in High School my first real boyfriend raped me when I was hanging out at his place. His father left to go get food and he took advantage of me, I remember there was a lot of blood... I trusted him.. He broke up with me a few days later.. I eventually got another boyfriend and I fell head over heals for him, he was your stereotypical metal head kid with long hard and he played in a band.. We were on again off again a lot and eventually we had sex, and then after almost a year he told me that he never had any feelings for me what so ever and that he was just using me. I felt like my heart closed up and turned black..

I met a boy, at first he was great and we were really happy until he started trying to change who I was at my core. I fucked up because I am afraid of being happy because I know it always comes
crashing down, we had hit a rough patch and in fear of being abandoned I started a emotional affair and was caught. after that nothing was the same. Eventually after 5 years that relationship came to a screeching halt and I, in a typical me way, ran as fast as I could looking for anywhere else to go. In between this time my mom met another man who wanted nothing to do with me and actually threw me out of the house at 17.

I think the last straw for me that sent me over the edge was just last year. I've had a best friend for pretty much my entire life.. We'll just call him JB. I met him when we were in like 4th grade or something like that. I had a crush on him the first day my friend introduced him to me. I thought he was the most amazing thing I had ever laid eyes on. He had beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair, he was a bad boy and got into trouble a lot but that didn't phase me at all. We became friends fast, and we used to pass notes constantly because we were in VERY different friend groups. I remember I would ask the teacher if I could go to the washroom and I would walk down the hall past his classroom and make sure he saw me, then I would wait in the washroom until I heard him coming then I would pass him the note and go back to class, or at recess and lunch times I would hold the note behind my back and he would walk by with his friends and grab it real quick without them noticing. When I moved I wrote him a note telling him and later that day when we were coming back in from a fire drill he walked up beside me and said that he would lock me in his room so that I couldn't move and he didn't have to be without me around.. I didn't understand at the time. A few days before moving he passed me a note with his phone number on it (mind you we were like 13) it took me almost a year to actually call him. We used to talk on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I used to tell him everything and he told me everything. I remember one day he called me crying and told me about his abuse, and I told him about mine. I trusted him like I'd done no one else before. He was the only person I was 100% myself with. We dated a short while when we were 15 but it didn't last long as long distance and being kids was just too hard but we stayed really good friends. I loved him more than life itself. Last year JB ended up in the hospital for some time, I would go and see him every single day and just wanted to be supportive and help him and make sure he knew someone cared, and he finally told me that he loved me too and that he wanted to be with me.. and a romance grew very fast and burned with in me like wild fire. I was so happy. Unbelievably so. He told me
everything I wanted to hear. He sang to my soul. I was head over heals.. I ended up being the one who got burned. He decided that the girl who put him in the hospital was more important that someone who loved him completely and had been there for him for our entire childhood. He didn't trust me. He didn't love me, he just made me believe he did.. I was crushed.. I died inside that day. I cried for two months straight and that's not an exaggeration. I wouldn't even leave my room. I wanted  nothing to do with anyone or anything. I wanted to die so badly. I even had it planned out. I knew where I was going to do it, I knew how I was going to do it and who I was going to leave notes for so that no one felt guilty. I was just so done with life..

I still think about him all the time...
I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder if he is okay. I wonder if he is happy now. I wonder if he ever regrets lying to me..

I said that if he ever came back around that I wouldn't take him back as a friend but as much as I tell myself that I know I would.

I hate myself because everything I touch gets destroyed. Every time I'm happy it comes to an abrupt halt. I am not supposed to be happy. It's not in the cards for me. I'll never find someone who loves me for me and all my issues and I'll never be comfortable enough, I'll always question everything and I end up pushing everyone away.. I just wear a mask. I put on my smile and face the world but  little do they know on the inside an clawing at the walls and crying trying to escape my constant pain.. I'm screaming and no one can hear me.